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Teaching Sam and Scout

Teaching, Motherhood, and Life In-Between

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On Comparison

For the Love

Back in the fall (when I first started this post), my college girlfriends and I were reading and talking about Jen Hatmaker’s book For the Love (via Voxer). It covers lots of great topics – like raising Jesus-loving kids and leggings as pants – but, in particular, it sparked a lively conversation among us about comparison. The subtitle of the book is: “Fighting for grace in a world of impossible standards” which spoke straight to my standards/ rules-loving self. But, to be honest, I didn’t really think comparison was much of an issue for me. Sure, I envy the beautiful moms of Instagram with perfectly curated wardrobes, spotless homes, and all the time in the world to do crafts with their kids and throw elaborate parties as much as the next person; but I know that Instagram isn’t the whole story, and I’ve pretty well accepted the “I can do anything but not everything” mantra for this season of life.  However, as my friends and I chatted, I realized that there are some areas where I really struggle with comparison.

 

I hadn’t thought about it in this way before, but my friend Lea pointed out the story of Saul and David in the Old Testament (Stick with me here, I promise not to get too preachy.) Both men had humble beginnings but were ultimately anointed by God to be great Kings of Israel. The Bible tells us they were also both really good looking and strong military and political leaders. But, in 1st Samuel 18, Saul became jealous of David.

6 When David returned from killing the Philistine, the women came out of all the cities of Israel, singing and dancing, to meet King Saul, playing songs of joy on timbrels. 7 The women sang as they played, and said, “Saul has killed his thousands, and David his ten thousands.” 8 Then Saul became very angry. This saying did not please him. He said, “They have given David honor for ten thousands, but for me only thousands. Now what more can he have but to be king?” 9 And Saul was jealous and did not trust David from that day on.

Up to that point, things were going pretty great for Saul. He was well respected and admired by the Israelites and had defeated many of their enemies. War was HIS THING. He was good at it. But, when David came along and got all the attention for killing Goliath (more attention in fact for that one victory than Saul had gotten for all his before that), Saul couldn’t handle it. That was supposed to be him. From then on, he lived in a state of comparison and devoted his time to tracking down and killing David. He was so angry and jealous that he couldn’t even see all the great things God had called him to; and, in the end, he killed himself.

Admittedly, this example is a bit extreme; but, it shed some interesting perspective on comparison for me…

 

Ultimately, I realized that it is easy for me to NOT compare in areas like cooking/having amazing dinners on the table every night, being crafty or “Pinteresty”, or being bomb-shell beautiful because these are areas that I’ve already decided/accepted are not priorities or strengths for me. I’m totally OK with not being the best in those areas. (More on that in this post.) Even things like the amount of time I spend with my kids (working vs. stay-at-home) are *usually* not big issues for me because I’ve always been a working mom, and I’m confident that that is where God is calling me right now. I know I wouldn’t be my very best if I was at home all the time.

HOWEVER, the areas where I DO find myself comparing and feeling insecure are things like sticking to a good schedule/routine and “having my stuff together,” keeping my house clean and organized, hosting or entertaining regularly, and being able to manage a lot of things on my plate at once. The common denominator between these things is that all of them are areas where – at some point or another – I HAVE been good at. I have found identity in being organized, being able to manage a lot on my plate, having a spotless home, and being a good hostess.

When I really think about it, it makes sense that these are the places I tend to compare myself to others. No one has ever praised my ability to throw chicken and cream of mushroom soup in the crockpot or complimented my lipstick shade (not one single time), but there have definitely been seasons of my life where others acknowledged my organization/cleaning/hostess/multitasking strengths. I received positive attention for those things, and that attention was – certainly – internalized.  As a result, even now that my life is significantly different, I still wake up every Monday morning thinking: THIS WEEK WILL BE BETTER. THIS WEEK I WILL GET BACK ON TRACK, and I still feel a pang of “I’m not measuring up” when I see other women who seem to be managing their laundry, to-do list, and dinner guests just fine.

Are these bad things? Not at all. Is that attention bad? I don’t think so. But, is finding my identity there dangerous? It definitely is.

Those things don’t define me. Part of being a grown-up and, more importantly, being saved by grace, is acknowledging that things change.  Those are good and fine things to care about, but they do not make me ME. Only God makes me valuable/worthy/good.

I don’t know why exactly, but, somehow, realizing where that comparison comes from and WHY I compare myself in some areas and not in others was helpful in starting to break that cycle. Making that list was actually a really good exercise for me, and I strongly recommend it if you’ve never thought about it. Heck, if you want to share your list in the comments, I’d love it!

In the meantime, have a great Monday. Show yourself some grace today!

E

P.S. GOOOOOO Tigers!!! Can you even believe Clemson is in the NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP?!? Are you watching tonight?  I’m already planning a late afternoon Starbucks run so I can stay up!

How to Host a Thanksgiving Table Decorating Contest

Is it just me or is the whole internet totally skipping over Thanksgiving and running head first into the holidays? Call me a Scrooge, but I fall fully in the “Christmas comes after Thanksgiving” camp. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll be cranking the carols and decking the halls (and internet shopping) on November 27th; but, until then, it’s turkeys and pumpkins, and thanks around here.

So, with that in mind, today I’m sharing a fun tradition my mom and I started several years ago that really made Thanksgiving so much fun and so much easier*…

Thanksgiving Table Banner

Several years ago, my mom and her best friend decided to take some of the stress out of hosting Thanksgiving every year and began joining our two families together for more of a pot-luck style feast.  Instead of the traditional family dinner, they took a “more the merrier” approach and took turns hosting both families plus other relatives, in-laws, friends, etc. This took a lot of pressure off of cooking, but no one had matching dishes/flatware/etc. for that many people, so the Thanksgiving Table Decorating Contest was born. 😉

*Full disclosure, we haven’t done this in a couple of years mainly because our traditions have changed, and I’m much more inclined to set my table with paper products these days; but, I really did love doing it and hope to get back to it in the future.

Here’s how it worked:

  • My mom, her BFF, and I each took a table to set and decorate for 6-10 people. (Obviously the number varied each year depending on the guest list.)
  • Each of us was responsible for bringing everything necessary for that table including table cloths, flatware, dishes, glasses, centerpieces, place cards, napkins – even water pitchers, gravy boats, butter dishes, and salt and pepper shakers.
  • Typically, the three of us got together at whoever’s turn it was to host the event on the evening before Thanksgiving to set our tables (usually a dining room table – reserved for the hostess – and some variation of folding/card tables) and split a bottle of wine.
  • When they were all done, we took photos of each table and posted them without our names on Facebook encouraging our friends to vote for their favorite. (We didn’t award a prize or anything fancy like that, but the element of competition made it even more fun, and you certainly could do a Starbucks gift card or something if you wanted.)
  • On Thanksgiving itself, we showed up with one or two dishes and were all free to enjoy the meal and the company, without being exhausted from a morning of cooking or stressing about the aftermath of such a party. Plus, it was fun for our guests to see three totally unique table settings too (and we often included them in our voting).
  • Finally, at the end of the day, everyone packed up their dirty (but rinsed, of course) dishes, linens, etc. in a big crate to take home and clean – leaving no one with more than one table’s worth of mess.

Here’s a photo of my mom’s beautiful table from 2011:

Mom 2011

And a close-up of some of the details from my 2012 table (shown above):

PicMonkey Collage 3

Obviously, each table “host” could set her own style, price range, etc., and we all enjoyed searching Pinterest and blogs for weeks coming up with ideas. I always liked the challenge of making mine affordable (I usually spent less than $20 total) and simple by using things I already had and making what I could. That year I used this tutorial from O Happy Day to make my own paper table runner and simply wrote names on it instead of doing fancy place cards. As a bonus, I also brought silver and gold sharpies to put at each place setting and encouraged guests to write things they were thankful for right on the table.

So… Is this the year you’re going to make Thanksgiving more simple and fun than ever? If so, this might just be the key for you! *Email me if you have specific questions.

Happy Day!

E

Teaching Manners

First of all, I hope you and your family had a wonderful Easter yesterday! I am so thankful for a Savior to celebrate, and good friends and family to do it with! We had a great day!

Now, today, I’m talking about MANNERS.  Do you have them? Do you teach them to your kids?

Manners.jpg

This topic has come up in several conversations for me lately — America’s general lack of manners today, teaching our kids to say “Yes Sir” and “No Thank You,” etc. etc. etc. To be honest, it isn’t something I’ve spent a whole lot of time thinking about as a mom…

My dad is the ultimate gentleman… He opens doors for my mom and pulls out her chair even after thirty years of marriage.  And, much to my sister’s and my embarrassment, he even stands when a female leaves a room or gets up from a table.  It’s weird really, but I do appreciate it. 🙂 *I also have heard him burp maybe twice in my life. No lie.

Kathryn and I were raised to be polite and respectful to adults. My mom taught us to take a hostess gift when we go to someone’s house. We always write thank you notes.  We say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, we put our napkins on our laps and don’t talk with food in our mouths, and we RSVP when we receive an invitation to an event (WHY does NO ONE do this anymore?!?!).

But, there are other things about the way I was raised, that are less formal…  For example, we call our parents’ friends by their first names (always have), and I don’t have any memory of ever being formally taught/told to say things like “Yes Sir” or “No Ma’am”…

Strangely enough though, I sort-of just knew when to do those things… With my friends’ parents – for instance – I always called them Mr./Mrs. and said Sir/Ma’am. (Funny side note: Jeff’s mom is still in cell phone as “Mrs. Chapman” because I put it in there back when Jeff and I were newly dating in high school.)

All that leaves me thinking… How exactly do you teach manners?  Is it necessary to strictly enforce certain manners (like Sir/Ma’am) OR is it something kids will naturally pick up on by observing you?

I definitely want Sam to have good manners/ be a gentleman.  Absolutely.  Already, Jeff and I stress the importance of saying “please” and “thank you.”  We are working on not interrupting, and saying “pardon me” instead of “huh?” when he doesn’t understand. BUT, because I wasn’t necessarily raised with a strict emphasis on some of the more “minor” rules, it doesn’t come naturally for me to correct him when he says “Yes” instead of “Yes Sir.”

Likewise, I find myself encouraging him to call other adults (like our babysitter/neighbors/etc.) “Miss Jennifer” or “Mr. Marc” because that seems socially acceptable; but, truth be told, I think it is totally dorky.  I genuinely want Sam’s friends to be comfortable calling us Elizabeth and Jeff, but I also want him to recognize when that isn’t appropriate (like when meeting an adult for the first time).

Am I making any sense at all?

I guess I’m just wanting to start the conversation about how exactly to teach manners, and which ones are worth teaching… Also, what age do you think kids should start really knowing and using manners? 

What do you think?  Especially those of you with older kids, how do you handle manners in your house? I’d love to hear what works (or doesn’t) for you!

E

P.S. Here’s a link to a 2011 article from Parents Magazine titled “25 Manners Every Kid Needs by Age 9.”  It seems pretty reasonable. 🙂 (There are lots of free printables of this list circulating the blog world too.  I might just add one to my piles!)