It’s been more than six months since I wrote this post about having a bigger gap between our kids, and I now have a four year old and a four month old. I have to be honest and say that it isn’t the way I envisioned things in my “perfect plan” for our little life pre-kids, but I have been surprisingly REALLY happy with the way it has all turned out. Clearly, I’m not an expert on the subject of age gaps, and things will likely change many times over the next 18 years, but I thought I’d share a little update today about why having almost four years between our kids has been great for our family.
Four Reasons I Love the (Almost) Four Year Age Gap:
1. We are able to fully enjoy each stage for each baby.
In my limited experience, I think the ages of 2 – 4 are the most fun in terms of enjoying your kids. For me, those years have been the “sweet spots” of parenting after a hard start. I’m SO grateful that I got to spend that time with just Sam. He got all of my attention, and we got to do so much together. I also love that, by the time Nora is in that age range, Sam will be in school, summer camps, etc., and I will get to spend more quality time with just her. (Of course, we will love being all together as a family too, but there is something special about that one-on-one time when it is possible.)
Likewise, I’ve found that I can enjoy the baby stage more this time around because I fully recognize how fast it goes. I haven’t spent these weeks wishing the time away or worrying about things that – Sam taught me – really don’t matter, like starting a “bad habit” of the baby needing to be held while sleeping, stressing over milestones, or killing myself to stick to a schedule.
2. The oldest “gets it,” is more independent, and even helpful at times.
I worried that Sam would act out a lot after Nora was born because he was used to having all my attention, but – while that certainly happens at times – I’ve been surprised at how READY he was for this role. When we read books and talked about the new baby coming, I honestly felt like he understood and was as prepared as he possibly could have been. From the very first minute he met Nora, she has been “his baby,” and I truly don’t think he remembers a time without her.
I’m not going to lie, it’s also really nice that he can do things like use the bathroom, get a drink (a new and favorite development), get dressed, put shoes on, get in and out of the car, etc. for himself. He also is a PRO at retrieving diapers, finding lost pacifiers, telling me when Nora is crying ;), and entertaining his little sis. It all makes my life A LOT easier. I must think five times a day “I don’t know how people with two under two do it,” and I don’t. Seriously, if that is you, you are my hero!!
3. They are close enough to still be “friends” but don’t have to share everything.
Another thing that has surprised me is what good friends these two kids of mine have become despite the age gap. Even just four months in, they are each other’s FAVORITES. Sam is a little performer, and Nora is his perfect audience. He recently got a puppet show theater, and he loves to put on little shows while Nora sits in the Bumbo seat and smiles and giggles up a storm. (Yes, it’s pretty much the cutest thing ever.) I also let them take a bath together the other night (also thanks to the Bumbo seat #notsponsored), and they splashed and played together just the way I always imagined my kids would do. He LOVES making her laugh, and she is constantly entertained by him. (I actually wonder some times if Sam wasn’t such a hard baby in part because he was, frankly, bored to tears by Jeff and me.)
I can’t fully attest to this yet, but I also think that the four year age gap will be nice because they don’t have to share everything. Of course the fact that they are boy/girl also makes a difference, but I’m mainly talking about milestones etc. For example, they likely won’t ever be in the same school together (a negative on the convenience scale perhaps), their friends will be different, etc. etc.
4. We’ve learned a lot about parenting and, frankly, are a lot better now.
You learn A LOT in four years. Jeff and I both are totally different than we were when Sam was Nora’s age. (Sometimes I really do feel bad for Sam.) I am so much more relaxed and confident in my parenting skills – which goes a LONG way. I know everyone is different, but I needed these four years.
How far apart are your kids and what are the best parts about that particular age gap? I’d love if you shared!
E
*Sam and Nora are technically only three years and eight months apart. Really, this isn’t that big of age difference, but it does seem like most of our friends have their kids closer to 2 – 3 years apart, and it felt big during the season when other friends were getting pregnant with #2, and we were still happily adjusting/enjoying our first.
**Photos were taken by our friend Howard when Nora was two-weeks old. Sam wasn’t having the best hair day of his life. 😉
***Lest you think it’s all roses over here… As I type this, Sam is in timeout for pulling Nora’s arm so hard it made her cry. #reallife
E! These pictures are the cutest! I always relate to these posts so must when you reflect back on how “hard” things were when Sam was young. B is a similar baby to Sam from what I read so gives me hope when it comes time for #2.
I enjoy reading your blog so much!!!
Oh, this post is exactly what I needed! I am roughly two months away from meeting my second…a boy who will be about 3 years and 8 months younger than my daughter! I am feeling all of the nerves but also all of the excitement. I only hope I am able to adjust as well as you have!
Our kids are just over 3 years apart, and I couldn’t agree more with this post. Having an older one that can be somewhat independent and helpful has been great! And isn’t it just so much less stressful the 2nd time around? I sometimes feel sorry for thomas because I feel that I am a better mom to Lydia than I was to him as a baby! 🙂
I love this post! I have an almost three year old boy, and we’re expecting our second (A GIRL!) in January. While we also waited a bit longer than expected, I trust that God’s timing is better than my own best laid plans. Also, I have loved reading about your transition into a family of four. It seems like Sam is handling it like a champ!
Thank you for this one! I’m expecting our second a week before my daughter turns 4 and I keep bemoaning the age difference (we didn’t expect to wait this long for a second child – but we make plans and God laughs) but everything you said makes sense and I will keep all these positives in mind!
My babies, both boys are almost exactly 8 years apart! One was 2/24 and one was 2/25. We waited a long time and our family had been through a lot of changes so by the time we even thought about adding to our family, my oldest was already in school. We were blessed with our newest little guy and the boys love each other so much. I was terrified that my oldest would feel “replaced” but that is so not the case. He is an incredibly helpful big brother and everything worked out just fine. It wasn’t easy at first but I wouldn’t change anything!
I’m expecting my second in February when my daughter will be 3 years, 8 months old also. I agree a lot of people now have them 2-3 years apart, but that idea never appealed to me for a lot of the reasons you listed! A coworker just told me that this age gap is hard because they don’t play well together, his are almost 11 and 7, but I’d rather not sacrifice my sanity in the early years for a closer age gap… Thanks for sharing your likes! I’m really looking forward to the almost 4 year age gap and think it’ll be a great thing for my family.
I have my foot in a little bit of each camp. With my daughter being 4 and change older than my youngest…but my oldest son is a little short of being 2.5 years from the youngest. Ages 2 and 3 are just hard for us in general, but my son is taking the cake this time around…ugh! They play wonderfully at time and in a split second, will be screaming and fighting. They share a room due to space, and I do look forward to the princess having a room to herself and a place to play without brothers going through and wrecking her things.
A friend with 3 boys told me, with having the larger gaps between is when it comes to family vacations or outings…it can be hard at times to find that sweet spot of what you all can do as a family that will appeal to both sets. Or that you’ve gotten a taste of some freedom and then to have to give it up again for a time.
As I see it…each month/year will just get a little easier as they grow and their needs mature. But for now, I am enjoying staying home with my brood of 3 compared to working full/part time during the other pregnancies and babyhood 🙂
my kids are 21 months and 23 months apart. having 3 very close together, there are definitely pros and cons.
– my kids already play together! it’s awesome! their schedule is identical (except my oldest doesn’t nap) and they share a room, etc.
-(and this wasn’t always the case) they’re similar enough in gross motor development that they can enjoy the same parks, the pool, playdates, etc. they can even eat the same foods. which doesn’t seem that big of a deal, but it is!
– we can divide and conquer. tom takes the big kids, i take the baby.
– they have the same toys! it’s great! (maybe that’s why there’s so much fighting…)
the hard parts:
– (this is the hardest0 i’ve literally been pregnant or nursing since november 2010. and i’m tired. i feel like getting pregnant so quickly i never got to give myself a real break
– they fight nonstop. it’s crazy. and unreasonable.
– they are VERY close in age, but they aren’t the same. a 4-yo is very different than a 2-yo. david can string beads on a necklace and paint unsupervised. mary virginia wants to do that bc she wants to do everything he does…but she just can’t. when david was her age mv was a newborn, and i could supervise him pretty closely. i just can’t do that with her, there’s too much going on ! so we end up avoiding those activities
My sister and I are four years apart and my mom always told me she did that on purpose. She often said that she couldn’t imagine having two little kids in diapers at the same time and that she was so happy to have me as a helper when my little sis was born. As a little kid, I loved being a big sister and played with my sister all the time. As we grew up, we were never in middle or high school or college at the same time, which I think was a plus in many ways. We weren’t as close as adolescents but are very close now as adults. I was just teasing her this morning that she is still following in my footsteps – she is getting married this year, four years after I did, and I wondered aloud if she would be starting a family in four years, like I am now. 🙂
I’m hoping to space out our kids by more than 2 years because of this… we’ll see what happens!