Hello there friends, and happy Monday!
I know most of you are in full-on Christmas mode right now, but in case you’ve had all the gift-guides, home decor, crafts, and recipes you can handle, I thought I’d spice things up a bit today and share some of my thoughts on having kids almost four years apart and the gap between siblings…
Tshirts c/o My June November on Etsy
First, here’s an excerpt from a post I wrote about a year ago (on my old blog) on the topic:
To be honest, I always just assumed that my children (however many of them there were) would be roughly two years apart. That’s the age difference between my sister and I, and also between Jeff and his brother. Aside from a tiny little window of time when Sam was an infant – during which I decided I’d be perfectly content with just one baby forever – I never really considered anything different.But, as it tends to do these days, that time period came and went in a flash, and I still found myself – although now fully intending to have another babysome time – secure and confident to wait a bit longer…
I remember, around the time Sam turned two, someone telling me that “the ideal age difference between siblings for physical and physiological development is three years,” and – although I have absolutely NO idea if there is any fact behind that statement – I clung to that for a while. Three years it is then.
And now, Sam is 2 1/2 and – like my previous “deadline” for having kids two years apart – the three year age difference window is swiftly passing by as well….
In our society, you know, it’s weird what we deem “acceptable” or “normal” when it comes to spacing out our children… At least in my experience, if a woman gets pregnant before her baby is a year old, people automatically assume that the pregnancy was an “accident” (as if she doesn’t know how babies are made); but, once the child is a year, it seems everyone and their uncle’s brother wants to know “when can we expect number 2?” Now, what I’m finding more and more is that as your child approaches their third birthday and there is still no baby-bump in the picture, the questions begin to dwindle and people quietly wonder if you are “having trouble” or just “done” having kids altogether.
To be clear: It does not bother me when people ask when we will try for more kids. I LOVE being a momma, I love this sweet time I’ve had with just Sam, and I love the person I have grown into over the last two and half years. At this point, Lord willing, it IS a part of our “plan” to have at least one sibling for Sam; and, I’m still pretty comfortable with the fact that (for a variety of reasons) the time isn’t quite right for another baby just yet… BUT, I do have to admit that I’ve had some insecurities swelling up recently about somehow doing a “disservice” to my kids by spacing them out so much. I worry that they won’t have a relationship, that the “hard years” of parenting will stretch on forever, and that (frankly) I’m not getting any younger.
Fast forward a few months. I took a pregnancy test, and we found out about Baby #2 on the day of Sam’s 3rd birthday party (a couple of days before his actual birthday). We actually even revealed our pregnancy to our parents that night through a note we wrote in a book we gave him for his birthday (this one – in case you are wondering – and I LOVE it). Anyway, by those calculations, our second baby and Sam will be almost exactly 3 years and nine months apart.
Throughout this pregnancy (so far), I have felt confident and excited about the space between Sam and his little sister 99% of the time. Every day I see my baby boy becoming more and more of a big kid and growing in independence daily. I just told Jeff the other night that I thought it would make me sad if we weren’t having another baby so soon; but, in light of that fact, it actually makes me excited and proud. Maybe I’m being totally naive, but I really think Sam will be at a great age when the baby arrives to help with small tasks like retrieving diapers or pacifiers, carrying things, etc. AND I think it will make things SO much easier now that he is potty trained, sleeping well (mostly), and can do things for himself like get a cup of milk from the fridge, put on his shoes, and buckle himself into his carseat. I also, as I’ve mentioned before, am excited about the idea of a much older brother, but not so much older that they won’t know each other, go to school together, etc. We will likely hold Sam back a year before starting Kindergarten because of his summer birthday (another post for another time), so – for whatever reason – my mind always goes to our kids being Freshmen and Seniors in high school together. Isn’t that just perfect? Am I totally crazy?
Of course I realize that the larger age-gap might make our adjustment more difficult in some ways too… Sam is totally used to being the center of attention (he’s not just been an only child, but also the only grand child on both sides for almost four years too). We’ve gotten into quite the routine as a little family; and, dare I say it, things are fairly easy on the parenting front these days. I know this will be a big change for ALL of us, and I can’t help but think that the people that just have all their babies right in a row and never allow themselves a chance to know any different might just be on to something…
Regardless, this is the family God has chosen for us. And, no matter how easy or hard the distance between our two babies might be, I am very confident that His timing is perfect. As I’ve said many times before, my transition into motherhood was a lot harder than I expected. Despite what might have been my best laid plans, I was NOWHERE NEAR ready for another baby when Sam was two years old. The last four years have been – by far – the most formative and significant of my life. I am a different person than I was four years (or even two years) ago.
Maybe it’s just the blog world, but I don’t seem to meet a lot of families with kids more than three years apart anymore… SO, today, I thought it might be fun to try to connect some of those moms. I’d love to hear from any and ALL of you on this topic of space between siblings; but, especially, I’d love to hear a bit from those of you that have a larger gap between your kids. How has that worked for your family? What are the unique challenges? Blessings?
Thanks in advance for your feedback and, as always, for following my journey of motherhood etc.
Love,
E
I have been asked that same question over and over again, my boy is turning two in January and right now there won’t be a sibling in sight. My sister’s second child will be born in June, our best friends’ too (both of their firsts are about the age of our little boy).
But right now I can’t imagine there would be another baby in the house. The older little boy gets, the easier it becomes for me, and I’m scared to death I might lose that feeling of balance again. I want him to be a little more independent. So until he goes to Kindergarten (September) I won’t even THINK of sibling. After that point, we’ll see. Everybody has to figure out his/her own situation. And I feel this one is quite difficult, we see a lot of people living up to ‘expectations’ on that plan (it must be hormones 🙂 ) and I must admit I’m a bit jealous of pregnant women around me (hence, I blame it on hormones). But I just know my decision to ‘not have the talk’ with my husband until September is the right one. (I’m confident my husband won’t be the one asking for it by the way…)
My daughter just turned 5 in December and my little guy will be one in March, so they are 4 years and 3 months apart. I too worried about the gap (we had a miscarriage that made them further apart than we had planned), but it has been perfect! I think that’s what you will find. Whatever you end up with will feel perfect for you. My daughter has been so helpful and not jealous at all–she is old enough that she doesn’t want to be a baby anymore. And she dotes on him so much. it has been precious to watch!
I have two girls, ages 3 and 5 and am due in May with our third child (a boy!). My girls are exactly two years apart, and the oldest really doesn’t remember life without a sibling. But the youngest has been “the baby” for so long that I’m not sure how she’s going to do with it. She turns 4 in August, and I was kind of shocked when I did the math and realized they would be almost four years apart! Like you, I think it will be a good age difference because the girls will be so helpful. My 5-year old already does things for her little sister like getting her dressed, making snacks for her, etc. I was pregnant the same time you were with Sam and was thrilled when you announced you were expecting again. I don’t blog but I am rebahoo on Instagram if you want to connect 🙂 Having a boy is all new territory for me. I will be needing all the advice I can get!
My sister & I are 3 years 8 months apart & I think it is a great age difference – I was a senior when she was a freshman in high school & it was fun being there to show her the ropes. We’ve only gotten closer as adults, too.
Enjoy the rest of your time with Sam as an “only” – I’m sure he’ll make a great big brother!
Thank for the shirt shout out! 🙂
My two are 4 1/2 years apart. Like you, my oldest is a boy, and was not only an only child for 4 years, but an only grandchild-on both sides-for 4 years. And his transition was seamless. He was old enough to truly understand what was happening, he was potty training, and sleeping through the night. He was so excited to be a big brother and he happily moved into the role. I also was so grateful that he was in preschool, because then I had that extra alone time with my new little girl.
One thing I did with my boy before our baby was born was a “30 days of 3.” About a month before my due date, I made sure to do one little special thing with my boy for those last few days of just the three of us. Most of them were simple: a trip to the park, out to lunch, an ice cream sundae; some were bigger: a trip to the zoo. And I kept a little journal about it to give to my son. I loved it and it made me slow down those last days before the new baby came.
I think there are always pros and cons to either side of the age gaps. My daughter will be 4 years apart from this third child. She is a little less than 2 years apart from her brother, and they are super close (and super enemies) once he became less fragile.
We’ll have the summer with all three kids at home during the day, and once the fall comes, Eliza will be going to public pre-k for half the day, 5 days a week by bus.
We don’t know what it is like to have much free time to ourselves, date nights or simple leaving the house. But I guess the trade off is that little by little we will have more of it and be done with the baby phase in life.
btw, I envy you on Sam buckling himself in the car seat. I still have to dream of that day…
I think you hit the nail on the head. You will have challenges no matter what the age difference. Certainly having two in diapers, two that you have to dress and two kids almost totally dependent on you is HARD. Trust me, I know. But now that Luke is more independent and can do more I find myself asking, “isn’t this supposed to get easier?!” Because with his new independence comes a new willfulness too. Every age has it’s challenges but you four will get through them! I adore the fact that my kids are close enough in age that they play together often. However, I often wish Luke was older and could do more on his own. There’s no “ideal age difference.” Rest assured the age difference between Sam and his baby sister is the PERFECT one for your family. 🙂
My boys are 14 months apart. I didn’t plan it that; it just happened. While it sounds crazy and difficult, it’s actually been pretty awesome. And I hope they end up best friends.
My siblings and I are a little different. My older brother and I are 2 years apart. We were pretty close growing up–in high school at the same time, shared groups of friends, etc. My younger brother and I are four years apart. While it was difficult when he was in junior high and I was in high school, it was awesome later. We are also really close.
I think their relationship will be more about what you foster in your house than their age. Sure, he won’t understand her when he’s a senior and she’s in 8th grade, but they could be best friends when he’s 24 and she’s 20. That’s the way it happened for us.
Although I have no experience with this from a parenting perspective, I will say that my sister and I are 4.5 years apart (with a brother in between) and our relationship was always SO good. We were almost never in the same school at the same time (except for elementary school), but despite that, we were always the best of friends. At the same time, the age gap meant that we weren’t competing for the same things/friends/interests and we were always able to be supportive of and happy for each other. We had just enough in common (such as ganging up on our brother) to keep us together and just enough differences that we didn’t drive each other insane all the time. It was great!! I think Sam and #2 are going to be wonderful together!!
I can’t speak for my kids (when I have my baby, he or she will be less than two years apart in age from my daughter…a happy surprise.) But I can say that my husband and his younger brother are four years apart and they are best friends. My little sister and I are four years apart and best friends. And I also have two older brothers who are seven and almost four years apart from me and we have always gotten along really well. I don’t think age is some great indicator of how your kids will get along. Thankfully!
I think it all comes down to what you know and experience. You will make the most of your situation! I have three kids, the older two are 22 months apart and the baby is just over 3 years younger than her brother. The older two have always done everything together because that is all they know. They have a very special bond and do the same activities, sports, etc. things are a little harder with our baby, even though she is almost three. The other two go off to school together every day and she stays home with me. They definitely love their baby sister, but do not have the same best friend/playmate relationship because she isn’t doing the same things they are. It is also harder now with the older two in school and their after school activities. A lot of the time I feel like she just tags along and spends her life in the car. Honestly if I had known I was going to have a third, I wish I would have had her 2 years younger than her brother.
Similarly to the person that you mentioned saying 3 year separation is optimum, I have read that 3-5 years is optimum. Each child really needs 3 years of being the baby for their developmental needs to be met. It also takes a mom’s body two years to restor her nutrient stores after pregnancy, so imo over three year spacing is perfect. My daughter is 2.5 and people have stopped asking if we’ll have another, so they must feel we are in that “they must be having trouble conceiving or are stopping at one” timeframe which seems ridiculous to me. I know that I could not handle an infant and a toddler, so it’ll be 3.5 to 4 year age gap hopefully between her and the next. I
I have a 3.5 yr old daughter and am expecting a boy in February – they’ll be almost 4 years apart. Speaking from a parenting standpoint, many kept asking questions about the next one, but we knew we weren’t ready until now. Our daughter is old enough to understand about babies and has actually been very excited and she’s independent enough to help, which will be amazing for all of us. From a sibling standpoint, my older brother and I are 3 years apart and we have always been close. It had less to do with the age difference though and more to do with shared family experiences. I do think the age difference allowed for less competition between us and way more of the ‘big brother’ taking care of little sister. For all families it’s a great big guessing game on ‘timing’ when to have kids and one that we tend to second guess on a regular basis. In reality life just happens and we get to roll on with it!
We have a 3 year old daughter right now…with no sibling in the foreseeable future. We may choose to keep out family this way indefinitely, but if we did choose to have another child, we would probably space them at least 5 years apart. She was a bit of a surprise for my husband and I, so we finally feel a sense of overall balance on the parenting front…so not sure we want to rock the boat. As a working parent (hs English teacher too!), I am not sure how to continue that sense of balance. Some days, I think we are “one and done”, and other days, I really want her to have a sibling (I was the youngest of 3, all 2 years apart). All of my mama friends with whom I was pregnant, are now either pregnant again or parents to a newborn. I’m not one to want to compare, but it does make me sort of sad at times like I am missing out, or more importantly, my daughter is missing out. Time will tell. Everyone family is different. And I am super happy being a mama to my little girl…
As always, love your honesty and know that Sam is going to be the BEST big brother! My sis and I are 4 years, 1 month apart and I loved that gap. I always wanted to be like her so I bet your little will look up to Sam and he will look out for her like a big brother should. 🙂
I’m really in the midst of struggling through this myself. My son is 2.5 years old and I always thought I’d have kids about two years apart, just like my brother and me. However, my body has had different ideas about that. Thankfully we don’t get much in the way of questioning since we went through IF for 7 years before having our boy and I think people just assume it’s happening again. But it’s hard not to be jealous as friends move on to have numbers 2, 3 or 4. And as I’ve struggled through parenting a toddler with a very strong will I can’t help but think that having a sibling would be a great tool to help teach him things like sharing and empathy. And there are days where I feel like I’m failing him with my inability to provide a sibling. I do know he came to us at the most perfect time and that God’s hand was in it. I try to remind myself to trust in Him and that he has a plan for our family…tough though it may be. I loved what the other reader wrote about the sibling relationship being based more on what is fostered in the home than what the age gap may be. And I look to my parents who are both close to siblings who were significantly older (my mom’s brother is 7 years older, my dad’s sister is 9 years older) and trust that what is meant to be will be. But it’s hard. Very hard.