Since having Nora and beginning to navigate the road of raising a daughter, I’ve leaned a lot on my friends with little girls that have gone before me for guidance and wisdom. Today, I’ve asked my friend Courtney (a SAHM of two and writer in South Carolina) to speak a little to a topic that I see coming up ALL THE TIME lately: princesses. I admire Courtney and her husband SO much for the way they are intentional in their parenting, pray for their children, and speak truth into their hearts. I also LOVE her little girl, Selah Grace. She has spunk and spirit, and Courtney and I often joke that she is the female version of my Sam. Below is a letter Courtney wrote to Selah about why she wouldn’t let her have a “Princess Party.” I realize that this can be a sensitive subject and one on which we won’t likely all agree. To be honest, I don’t fully know my own opinion yet; but, I do appreciate how Courtney articulates her hope for Selah in Jesus. You should know that she isn’t saying that she hates princesses – quite the opposite, they like them A LOT – just that she wants even MORE than that for her. Anyway, read on. I welcome any kind discussion in the comments!
July 6, 2015
Selah,
In a few weeks you will turn three. Yesterday, as we rode home from the mountain cabin, you and I sat in the back, scrolling through my phone, planning your birthday tea party. We found the cutest floral plates and you went into full out “leader” mode, deciding which friend would get which plate. We were having fun.
Until you decided you wanted a Princess Tea Party.
And your dad and I said, “No.”
You sobbed for the rest of the ride home. Huge crocodile tears as you pleaded with us. Stated your case. “I don’t want a regular tea party. I want a princess tea party because I love princesses.”
And Selah, though I know you don’t fully understand this now, that’s why we aren’t going to have a princess party. Because that’s the problem: You love princesses too much.
“So why not let me have a princess party?” You may think. “Don’t you want me to be happy?” “Wouldn’t it make you so happy to see me so happy at my princess party??”
And it would. In fact, that’s the inner conflict that I face as your mom. See, one of the things I love the most is seeing you happy. Sometimes I love it too much.
In life there are always going to be things we love too much. Things we believe will make us whole. For you, right now, it’s princesses.
Here’s how I know this: Because you don’t just want to play princess and wear princess dresses. You want to wear them all the time. And when your dad or I tell you it’s time to take them off, you say things like “I have to wear my princess dress so I will be beautiful.”
You’ve become obsessed with the idea of marrying your prince. And when you are playing princess, the conversations center around being pretty enough for your prince to marry you.
You love pretend and you love stories. And those are good things. In fact, those are beautiful things. Your imagination and ability to create entire worlds from the back seat of the car are some of my most favorite things about you. I treasure our afternoons spent playing princess together as we fight off dragons and evil snowmen with our bare hands. I love when you snuggle up in my lap and together, we get lost in a fairy tale.
You rightly sense that there is a bigger story that you’d like to be swept up in.
But as your mom, I have to speak a little truth to your toddler heart—truth that a lot of girls and mommas need to be reminded of too: The princess story is much too small. And even more than that, it is a lie.
The princess story says:
- Being beautiful is what gives you worth and makes you worthy of pursuit (Snow White)
- Obtaining the love of a prince is worth giving up your own voice (Little Mermaid)
- Finding (and marrying) the perfect man will lead to ultimate happiness (Cinderella)
Selah, there is a story worth getting swept up in: It’s the story of Jesus.
Jesus gave up a lot more than just his voice; He gave up his whole life for you. And not because you are the prettiest or the best singer or because you can do awesome tricks like shooting ice out of your fingertips. No. He gave up His life because He knew it was the only way. Jesus was perfect. And not only was Jesus perfect, but He knew perfect love. He was in the perfect relationship with His father, and he gave that up.
The God who was love came to Earth and became sin so that you and I would not have to be a slave to ours.
It’s this love—this love that seeks us out when we are totally helpless and unlovable—that in turn, makes us lovely.
Selah, you are valuable because Jesus says you are. Jesus wants to save you. He wants to give you a new heart that looks like His and loves the things that He loves. And when that happens, that is about as beautiful as it gets. That is a love worth partying about!
I pray that you will come to taste and see that Jesus’ love for you is what makes you lovely. That in Him, you will find true joy that no prince, or ball gown, or princess party can satisfy.
My prayer on your birthday is that Jesus will become the treasure that you’re after—that He will rescue you and give you a new heart—and that over time, your love for him will far out weigh your love for princesses. I will continue to seek the Lord and ask for wisdom and guidance to know how to best shepherd your heart. And at your non-princess tea party, I will celebrate that no prettying up is needed to be a part of His story.
Love,
Mom
I love the way she articulated this! I’m expecting my first (gender unknown) in about a week and I worry that if it is a girl, this will be a battle I have to fight one day.
One of the reasons we didn’t find out the gender was because I didn’t feel like a little girl needed to be covered in pink and princesses from birth. If she wants to get into those things later that’s fine, but I also want her to know that she is more than just pretty and more than the value a man sees in her.
Definitely pinning this for down the road if we end up with a little girl!
First, congrats on your baby on the way!!! Second, you brought up something that I’d like to write more about some day when I’m getting more than 5 uninterrupted hours of sleep at a time ;)… Before I had Nora, I would have said that I felt the same way about pink, ruffles, etc.; BUT, since having her, I have to admit that’s changed some. There is just something inside me that WANTS her to be girly and feminine all the time. I even don’t like it when she sleeps in Sam’s old PJ onesies, and I hate when people think she is a boy (much more than I disliked people mistaking Sam for a little girl). I’m not sure WHY that is exactly, but I definitely noticed almost right away.
Anyway, another post for another time, but you just made me think. Thanks for commenting!!!
Interesting perspective…and we all have our own perspectives. I would just wonder what would happen if your little boy wanted a superhero party. And was obsessed with being a superhero. Would that warrant a similar response? in essence, you should have a similar reaction–that being a superhero is much too small a story compared to the one that can be found in Jesus. But imaginative play is part of being a child, and is a healthy part of their development. My daughter went through the princess phase and emerged on the other side of it no worse for the wear. She finds her value in places that are real and important, not in her make believe play.
I’m not in any way trying to say I think your decision was a bad one–it was your decision to make. However, sometimes we, as adults, tend to make childhood events about more than they are about. I know I do–a note home from the teacher does not equal lifelong delinquency, despite my deepest fears. And not all my deepest fears can or will happen.
Thanks for your thoughtful comment. You definitely bring up some good points, and I completely agree on a lot of levels. I don’t want to speak for Courtney; but, to me, a big difference between super heroes and princesses is the princess’s dependency on beauty, a prince, or something like that to determine her worth – instead of Jesus. That said, I think Courtney’s really good about acknowledging (definitely in her life if not in this letter/post) that there is nothing wrong with LIKING princesses. Beyond that, she’s an avid reader and a fiction writer and TOTALLY appreciates story, make believe, pretend, etc. Really, whether a family decides its OK with a certain kind of party or not, the bigger theme here is about idolatry and where we find our value – NOT about princesses in themselves…
I don’t know if that makes sense, but I thought I’d least follow-up a little bit. 🙂 Thanks for speaking up!
Hey Elizabeth thanks for the comments. I totally agree about imagination and pretend and I’m sorry if that didn’t come through in my letter. In fact, I actually write fiction for kids, so I’m totally with you! We play and pretend a lot at our house. In fact we still play princesses a good bit. We haven’t avoided them wholesale; we just wanted to make sure we tried to help her see the flaws in the princess stories. We aim to celebrate the good in things while speaking truth into lies. The same would apply for super heroes and all other TV shows, movies, music, books, etc. There is lots to enjoy about those things, but it’s also important to point out where they veer from God’s story. Thanks again for the comment!
I know this sweet fam from church! love 🙂
This is beautiful. I love the part that Courtney & her husband have been perceptive to comments like “I have to wear my princess dress so I will be beautiful” and are already seeking to show their three year old where beauty truly lies. Most little girls don’t start hearing that sort of teaching until they are pre-teens or teens (or later, or never!) I can understand the need at times to curtail a perceived obsession, very much respect that, and I think that is beautiful, even though it requires “hard love” sometimes. I have boys, so their obsessions will likely differ from the princess theme, but I hope I will be that perceptive with my boys, even on their toddler stages. I hope I too will be perceptive enough to identify ways to use daily life to point them to Jesus. This is deep. Thank you for sharing.
Interesting read! My husband and I definitely perceive these shortcomings of the princess narrative for girls and want to encourage our daughter to be tough and smart and strong as well as beautiful on the inside and outside. I appreciated a lot of what this guest blogger had to say.
We are not religious however, so our message to our daughter won’t be based on the idea of worth coming from Jesus’ love. We believe that we only have one life on this earth to live, so kindness, love, and empathy for one another are essential – we want to make this world the best it can be in part because we do not believe in an afterlife. Not trying to stir the pot, but wanted to share another perspective on this issue. 🙂
Thanks for sharing, Melissa! Kindness, love, and empathy are certainly attributes I hope are evident in my own life as well as ones I pray will mark my daughter throughout hers. Glad we are all in this thing together and love that we can learn from each other and offer different perspectives!
While I think you make a very good point with respect to the princess culture, I think it is somewhat unfair to enforce such restrictions on her birthday when she spends so much time playing princesses at other times. If anything I would let her have a princess party and then tone down the princess from there. For our 3 kids, their birthday is the one day a year where it gets to be exactly what they want, no compromising with their siblings like they have to do every other day of the year. I think they should be able to celebrate their birthday just as they would like, within reason.
Lindsay, thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts as well as your goals for your own children’s birthday and how y’all choose to celebrate. I love that as moms, when it comes to parenting decisions like these where there is not one way (or right way) we can share how we navigate these issues without judging moms who choose a different approach. Sounds like y’all have a system that works well for your family!
I love the sentiment within your friend’s writing and am always thankful when others think so critical of what could be seen as cultural issues. This is certainly what we are admonished to do in Colossians 2:8, seeing that we are not taken captive to the philosophies of this world. As a mother who raised five children, I certainly held to some “hard things” to keep them from wordly philosophy. From many years of homeschooling then transitioning to Christian school where I taught classical English and went in with a very hard perspective to pagan ideas. I now have such joy in explaining the beauty and freedom that come from using these ideas for the glory of God. CS Lewis was master at this. I share this with all love and wisdom, having been the mother who refused to put the decals on the rear window of our vehicle showing that our lives revolved around our children and their activities – another concept that must be warranted against if we’re going to go so far in warning against wordly philosophy. I am now a grandmother of a precious little girl and I look forward to using whatever imagination she has and replace the otherwise falsehoods within that precious imagination with the truth of scripture which tells her, and us, that we are indeed princesses and brides to a much more glorious degree – Psalm 45:9,13; 1Peter 2:9. No need to fear concepts that contain truth and beauty even from a worldly perspective, just use them for the opportunity they provide while always maintaining biblical prudence in the process. Prayers as you reach many through your writing.
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I hate this so much.
You are like my mother, my church, and every mentor that I ever had that decided because they didn’t feel the same way about my interests that I did, that they were unimportant, that they were apparently a “false idol.”
Jesus is not exciting to a three year old. The other adventures that come with fantasy play aren’t resonating with her on her wavelength just yet. Have you considered that the small fantasy of a princess suits her just fine because she’s a toddler, and her world IS small?
I find it funny that you brought up the Little Mermaid giving up her voice for a man, because this kind of misunderstanding of the story explains your line of thinking perfectly.
In the Disney film, Ariel leaves her family after her father decides her interests are toxic and destroys her collection, which is abusive and controlling. She left him for love that doesn’t hurt her this way.
In the original story, the mermaid trades her voice for the chance to have a soul like humans do, and the ability to go to Heaven when she dies. The prince is just a bonus.
I’m not asking you to spoil your kid. Don’t buy her every pink sparkly toy under the sun just because she likes princesses. But don’t try to make princesses off-limits because she currently likes them more than Jesus. My parents tried repeatedly to control my interests because they thought I liked things “too much” and apparently didn’t spend enough hours of the day professing my love for Christ. Now I no longer speak to them.
If you’re really so worried about princesses driving her only to focus on being pretty enough to find a man, then just introduce her to Sailor Moon, a superhero princess.
Thanks for taking the time to read this article and leave your thoughts. Your comment popped up as a notification in my email and it was certainly enjoyable to revisit an article that I wrote five-years ago. First, thank you for sharing your experience and your perspective. You make some excellent points and I wish that we were able to talk face to face because I’d like to hear and learn more.
Funny facts in the form of an update: Since writing this article, we’ve been to Disney World several times. I cherish the memories I made with my daughter (and yes, those included many a princess meet and greet and meal). My daughter had a Moana themed 5th birthday party. Just last year we hosted a Princess Book club tea for her 1st grade class. 🙂
There’s much in this world I’m uncertain of. And even things that I think I know, (like the plot of the Little Mermaid) there’s always more I can learn…a different perspective that I can consider…so thanks! I do know that I don’t have this whole mom gig figured out. I’m far from perfect. I miss the mark all the time. I certainly don’t have all the answers.
Good news is, at the time I’m writing this, Selah is still talking to me…she is pursuing her interests (which are currently dance and mystery clubs) and I don’t make her spend any parts of her day professing her love to Christ. And thanks for the Sailor Moon recommendation! We will def. check that out!
So, I am really late to the game here. I know this post is years old, but I feel compelled to weigh in.
I have a LOT of thoughts on this subject but first it bothers me that the parents here are writing a letter to a 3 year old that won’t understand any of it until much later. I mean I hope that worked out for them but I would be concerned with the psychological fall out that could develop from something like this. All children are different and I don’t know this child personally, but the way the parents handled this could easily be twisted in the child’s mind as, “I’m not important.” If other girls are having Princess parties and she’s not and the parents passively write a letter with reasons the child won’t understand it could start the comparison game which can wreak havoc on young girls self esteem. It could also make her nervous or cautious about accepting invitations. Causing her to think it’s bad to love something and get excited about it.
I want to be clear here though I disagree with how the parents chose to handle this. It would have been much better to have said something like we already decided on this other theme or simply use Princess cups and plates. There are so many other ways to have handled that. Or if they said no and she had a fit that would also be a good reason not let the child get his or her way. And that’s definitely something a child would understand.
I also want to say and I know some where in what I read the parents said they aren’t against Princesses, but clearly they are since the go into their very shallow/ judgmental view of Cinderella, which for all the Bible people out there is basically the same story and narrative as Ruth in the Bible. If you’re shallow and have absolutely no understanding of Fairy Tales all you see is it’s a beauty contest focusing on looks, but it’s not. Cinderella is beautiful and gets the heart of the prince because of her kindness and loyalty She doesn’t let her circumstances make her bitter. If it was only about looks he could have easily walked away when he realized she was acting as a servant. Also Prince Charming represents the ideal loving partner than just a crown. And if you have issues with the happily ever after part of it let me put it to you this isn’t that exactly what Christians desire about going to heaven? It also represents hope for a better future. Yes, you may not know what happens after they ride off together, but isn’t that also true of life. I can’t predict the future and you aren’t going to know until you die.
Honestly, I look at this letter as a parent who wants to feel justified rather than just admit that the whole princess party “no” was really because they couldn’t afford it.
I sincerely hope the child had a good birthday regardless. I hope the parents are happy they dented their 3 year old a Princess party because they’re never gonna get that chance again or have the chance to change how they handled it. I hope and pray this didn’t wreak havoc on the girl’s self esteem and create crippling limiting beliefs. As I said I know this post was written years ago, but I feel strongly about this and wanted to express my opinion.
It’s me actually again, the one who posted the no name comment. So, when I posted earlier it was my knee jerk reaction to something else going on in my life. I lashed out because it was the first thing I saw where I had a strong opinion so I just let it out. While I still hold my some of my opinions, after thinking about it some more I realized how judgmental and mean I was being. I want to apologize to the woman who wrote the letter. Please feel free to delete my comment. I mean here I am a complete stranger and being critical and mean when all the author wanted to do was to be a good mom. It takes a lot of courage to say anything online these days and be subject to other people’s comments. And I’m ashamed I was one of those critical people. Again , please feel free to take the comment down.
Sincerely, Sally C